


Opening up

by tinakegg



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 02:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4986469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinakegg/pseuds/tinakegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set two days after s2 ep7<br/>Rae opens up to Finn about Tixy and more. this is what i wished we saw with Rae and Finn real communication in s3 instead of there stagnate relationship we saw. there may be more added to this, things i would have liked to see in s3 instead of the big backpack of bullshit we got written by someone (George Kay) who didn't understand the messages of the show that tom bidwell so brilliantly tried to convey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Opening Up

It was another early winter day, cold and cloudy, still damp from the rain from a couple of days ago. you could feel the hint of snow in the air, trees devoid of leaves, becoming dormant for the long winter ahead, with the promise of bursting with life come spring. Rae and Finn walk into the cemetery, pushing open the heavy iron gate, damp leaves squished under there feet, into the mud as they walk around old weathered gravestones, with barely readable names and dates of people, some long ago forgotten, some still remembered, still being taken care of and visited. Soon they find the newer gravestones mixed with the old, until Rae finds tixy’s. She stands with her hand intertwined with Finns, he’s holding two bouquets of flowers, one for Tix the other for his Nan. Rae takes a bouquet still holding Finns hand and placing it on the gravestone

                                                                                                        **Tixy Rose Hain**  
**Feb. 3, 1980 – Sept. 1, 1996**

Rae kneels in front of the gravestone not caring that her jeans were getting wet from the damp ground, Finn kneels besides her to her left taking hold of her hand gently squeezing it, he looks at her with an encouraging nod hoping for her to share her story.

Rae takes a shaky deep breath, feeling nervous opening up to Finn but knew she had to start somewhere. “Tixy was the first person, besides Danny to befriend me at the mental home, we found in each other a kind of kindred spirit of sorts, we both had problematic relationships with food.” Rae swallowed a lump in her throat, biting her lower lip, trying to hold back the tears threatening to fall.

“She had anorexia, I binged on food, opposite sides of the spectrum we were.” Rae takes another shaky breath, a traitorous tear falling down her cheek. “We came up with nick names for each other, I was skinny, she was fatty.” Rae smiles a little at the memory of her and Tix figuring out nicknames. “like me she couldn’t cope with all the bad things happening to her in her life, felt no control over anything, except for food, like me she found a different way to self harm.” Rae blinks back tears, looks at Finn sadly, he gives Rae another encouraging nod to go on.

“You remember the day of the rave, right?” Rae looks at Finn, the tears falling freely now.

“Yeah! Why?” Finn says with confusion, wiping away her tears gently with his right hand.

“Well that day I was supposed to meet up with her at hospital to have a proper meal with her, in hopes she’d eat something, taking a first step in getting better, I promised I’d be there.” Rae said sadly, pressing her lips as tears starting to fall once again down her cheeks.

“Than all that shit with me mum happened, I went to yours and I fucked up again, I was so angry at me mum for trying to keep me from the rave that I so wanted to go to, that I forgot my promise to Tix. I wanted so much to be with you, hoping in the middle of all the music, people and alcohol that you wouldn’t be put off by me, hoping you’d kiss me.” Rae furrowed hers eyebrows together, pressing her lips trying to keep them from trembling, feeling bad for her selfishness. “I feel like a shit friend, for abandoning her when she needed me the most, the next morning kester, my therapist, called me, than it dawned on me my meeting with Tix, I figured I’d make it up to her until kester told me she collapsed from over exerting herself exercising, she fell into a comma. I feel like its my fault that she’s gone, I should of been there.” Rae started to sob at the last few words, feeling unbelievable guilt, she leans in to Finn he puts his arms around her letting her cry.

A young slight girl with short cropped chestnut hair kneels in front of Rae taking in all that she said about her friend. “Hiya skinny! You’re not a shit friend, its not your fault that I’m gone Rae. I did to much damage to my body and it just gave out.” Tixy’s spirit said sadly with a concerned look on her face. “yeah! I was hurt ya didn’t show, but I understand! People do and say stupid shit when they’re angry, no one is immune to it plus you didn’t know”

Finn takes a deep breath hoping he can find the words he needed to comfort Rae. “Rae, I wouldn’t of been put off by ya, I liked ya and wanted to kiss ya too! Your not a fuck up or a shit friend, you were angry, I’ve done some pretty stupid shit when angry myself, we all make mistakes, what matters is what you do after” Finn looks at her with a thoughtful expression on his face ,wiping away more of Rae’s tears. “Do you think if ya had been there, if she ate something, would it of stopped her from overdoing it exercising?”

Tixy shakes her head no silently answering Finns question.

“No probably not, but I should of been there.” Finn had a point but it was so hard to let go of the guilt. Rae closed her eyes trying to gain control of her tears and emotions.

“Rae I would of still been scared to loose control, I couldn’t even tell Danny I fancied him, you’re right I still would have over exerted myself, I wished I could of been like you, strong but I think my disease had its claws in me too deep and it wasn’t letting go.” Tixy said with a forlorn look on her face, wishing her friend could hear her.

“I just want so bad to make it up to her, but she’s gone and I can’t” The agony poured from Rae’s voice and it gutted Finn to hear it.

“Ah skinny, make it up to me by living your life for the both of us, do the things I can’t anymore, experience the things I never will, see the things I would have been in awe of.” Tixy said with a sad smile on her face.

“Your right! You may not be able to make it up to her in this life, but you can live your life for the both of ya, maybe do something she wanted to do in remembrance of her.” Finn says with a small smile, giving Rae a kiss on top of her head.

“I like him Rae! You hold on to him, don’t miss the chance at love, like I did with Danny.” A tear falls down tixy’s face, mournful at her own missed opportunity at love.

“Yeah that sounds like a good idea Finn I’m just not sure what yet but I’ll think of something” Rae was already thinking of conversions she had with Tixy about all of the many things she wanted to do.

“I wouldn’t doubt it ya smart Rae you’ll figure out something in no time” Finn looked at the girl next to him with admiration and awe in her strength.

“Thank you Finn for being here with me and listening to me.” Rae smiles at Finn, feeling a weight lift from her big backpack of bullshit from sharing her feelings about Tixy.

“Yeah, anytime Rae I’m here for ya if you’ll let me” Finn felt elated that Rae opened up to him some, though he still had more questions but saw now wasn’t the time to ask, that maybe latter would be at his.

Tixy leaned in a bit, giving Rae a kiss on her left cheek. “I wish you could hear me Rae, I just want to say to you to be happy, to remind you to put that Rae amour on when life gets tough and charge at it. Goodbye skinny I’ll miss ya!” Rae touched her left cheek, with a puzzled expression on her face. Finn looks at her with a questioning look.

“what is it?”

Shaking her head, smiling “Nothing it just felt like someone kissed me on my cheek…it reminded me of something Tix said to me once, she told me to put my Rae amour on and charge at things when it gets tough” Rae looks to tixy’s gravestone “Wherever you are, I’ll miss ya fatty.” The cold winter wind picks up, causing Rae to shiver a little.

Finn holds Rae closer, in an effort to warm her. “Come on Rae, let’s put these flowers on me Nan’s grave and go back to mine, I’ll make us a brew to warm us, its starting to get colder out here.” Finn said with a mixture of sadness of missing his Nan and concern for Rae. Rae nods her head ok. Finn gets up, pulling Rae up with him, Rae marveling at his strength, both there jeans soaked through from the damp ground. They start heading to the grave of Finn’s Nan before heading to his, while they go Tixy watches them leave, smiling at them, then disappears into the world beyond the living.


	2. Chapter 2

The winter wind howled outside Finn’s window, the mid afternoon sun shown into his room giving you an illusion of warmth outside. The smell of Ckone mixed with tea and stale tobacco wafted through the air while oasis was playing on Finn’s record player. Rae has always felt at home and comfortable in Finn’s room, she was happy that Finn brought her here after going to the cemetery earlier that morning. Opining up to Finn about tixy had been a frightening thing for her; she never wanted to share that part of her life before he met her, fearing rejection for being too much. Finn surprised her though, he listened, he genuinely wanted to know about her time at the hospital and tixy, it felt good to let more stuff go from her big backpack of bullshit. They still needed to talk about things but the last two days had been busy. The morning after they were together for the first time, Finn had to leave back to Leeds to gather his stuff; Arch went with him so they could talk. The day before Rae had a session with kester and visited her sister in the hospital than helped her mum with some chores around the house. So today had been the first free day to talk and rae decided that bringing finn to visit tixy grave was a good place to start and was finally ready to talk, she just hoped that after it finn would still want her.

They had come back to Finns cold; jeans still soaked from kneeling on the damp ground at the cemetery, the short car ride did nothing to warm them. Finn had let them both into his empty house, Finn’s dad had gone to yet another conference, Finn went to the kitchen to start a brew while Rae followed, and he got out the kettle and filled it with water while Rae got out two mugs and tea bags in the upper cabinets by the refrigerator. Finn had put the kettle on the stove to heat up; Rae had put the tea bag filled cups on the counter by the stove. Finn had gone up to his room to get a couple of pj bottoms for him and Rae. A few minutes latter, he came back down, Rae had finished making the tea, and he handed a pair to her while he took off his jeans. Rae glancing at his pert arse as he bent over sighed biting her lower lip, she looked away but not before he caught her checking him out as he started to put on his dry pj bottoms.

“I saw that! Did ya enjoy the show? Finn wiggled his bum for emphases than chuckled as Rae took a sudden interest in the pj bottoms in her hands.

“What! Don’t know what ya talking about!” Rae said looking at finn than looked at the bottoms with a doubtful look “ Really finn you think your pants are gonna fit me” she shook her head in disbelief while rolling her eyes.

“Rae you need to get out of them wet jeans and warm up, they’ll fit you well enough!” Finn said with raised eyebrows a reassuring smile on his face. Rae shook her head while rolling her eyes, letting out a huff. She put the bottoms on the kitchen table than proceeded to take her wet jeans off. She felt she got over a major hurdle getting naked in front of him two nights ago so taking her jeans off in front of him was no problem now, of course this made her wonder what there night together meant to Finn, if it meant as much to him as her. Rae found that surprisingly Finns pj bottoms actually fit, with a comfortable snugness at the waist. Rae handed Finn her jeans that he added with his, giving him an eye roll at his playful smirk. “Told ya they fit, girl” Finn bit his lower lip, huffing out a laugh as he put there clothes in the dryer.

“Yeah, well you’re not getting these back! I could use a new pair of pj bottoms.” Rae smirked back while taking there cups of tea out of the kitchen and to the stairs, up to Finns room. Finn could not help but notice and admired how his pants tantalizingly hugged her bum, he had so loved the feel of it under his fingertips two nights ago; he thickly swallowed a nervous lump in his throat as he followed her up.

“Yeah, well…Um… If ya like them you can keep them I guess… besides I quite like how they show off your bum.” Finn had a cheeky expression on his face as he walked past Rae, putting on a record for them to listen to some music.

“Oi! You cheeky sod.” Rae scoffed playfully than smiled at Finn while she handed him his cup of tea. “Here drink your tea and pick something good, nothing by bloody Babylon zoo!” She made her way to Finns bed with her cup of tea, putting it on the bedside table; Rae sat on his bed, leaning against the headboard after putting a pillow behind her for comfort.

“Are you questioning my music taste girl? Finn scoffed as he put on oasis’s (what’s the story) morning glory?, than made his way to sit by rae, putting his cup next to hers on his bedside table, he mirrored rae on the bed leaning back on his headboard on the side by the wall looking at her with a mock glare.

“Always! I’m not the one who likes spaceman.” Rae chuckled than bumped her shoulder with his. “But I guess this will do.” Rae rolled her eyes, playfully shaking her head at him, letting out a light laugh. She grabbed her mug and drank some of her warm, milk-sweetened tea. Finn grabbed his and drank as well. He put his tea down than looked at Rae.

“Well I’m glad ya approve but spaceman is sill our song.” Finn said with an amused look on his face.

“Only in ya dreams Finley!” she shook her head than leaned her head back to listen to the music playing, finn chuckled at rae than leaned his head back, both of them closing there eyes, enjoying each others company. They listened to music the rest of the morning, letting the music wash over there souls, every note striking a cord deep within them, Feeling as if they were transported to another world, just the two of them and the music. Around noon, Finn and Rae went downstairs to make more tea and some sandwiches, bringing the tea and food up to Finns room to eat and drink. Finn put on the smiths the queen is dead album. They both were lying down on Finns bed; Finn by the wall, Rae snuggled against him. She felt the warm spark of his fingertip on her forearm sending her heart to beat a littler faster. What are you thinking? He wrote as Rae raised her head up to look at Finn smiling at him.

“ I was thinking of tixy, of what you said about doing something in remembrance of her.” she says as she sits up in finns bed sitting cross legged leaning aginst the headboard, Finn does the same, both of them looking at each other. “She talked about traveling a lot, one place was New York City. Unfortunately seeing as I’m short on cash and I’m not about to swim the bloody Atlantic Ocean to get there it’s gonna have to be a future trip.” both of them smiled at each other but Raes smile didn’t quite make it to her eyes. She really wanted to go to the places tixy wanted to see but with her not in remembrance of her.

“Yeah, I can see how swimming the Atlantic could be a bit of a problem… although I wouldn’t mind seeing you in a swimsuit again” Finn said a bit cheekily, Rae playfully pushed him on the shoulder.

“Cheeky bastard” Rae giggled, than her look turned thoughtful “I’m thinking of a memorial service, a candlelight one at hospital by this pond me, Tixy, and Danny would go to. We would go there and talk, see the ducks; Danny loved them he would even go and wade in the pond with them although he wasn’t supposed to. Tixy would never go in she was too scared of what was in it and I’d never go in so she wouldn’t feel alone. I want to face a fear that she can’t and go in the water for her. I’m thinking of getting a floating lantern, putting tixy’s picture on it, Danny and I could put it on the pond let it just float away, it would be as if she was with us. It would just be away for us to say goodbye properly…neither of us went to her funereal, I couldn’t handle it I was avoiding the whole issue altogether. Danny was in hospital his parents didn’t think it was a good idea, thinking it would be too much for him. I don’t know, does that sound silly?’ Rae bit her lip worried that Finn would think it was a stupid idea.

Finn felt a twinge of jealousy when rae mentioned Danny, he still wasn’t sure if what he said at raes sexy party about them was true, he felt that there was more to the story there. He also felt like he couldn’t love rae more if he tried, not going into the water so her friend tixy wouldn’t be alone was so rae…he loves rae but a part of him wonders if there night together was a one off or the start of something again for them, he still had so many questions to ask. He was a bit scared to risk his heart again but knew he would risk it if Rae felt anything close to what he feels for her. ‘It’s not stupid at all, I think it’s a lovely idea to say goodbye. I wish I gotten a chance to meet her though.”

“Yeah you would of loved tixy; she was kind, gentle and gave me good advice when I needed it.” Rae wondered if tix had lived what advise she would of given her when she was doubting her and finn a few months back and if it would of kept her from breaking up with finn in the first place. she looked at Finn “So besides scaffolding what else happen in Leeds?” Rae asked genuinely wanting to know what his time in Leeds was like.

“Well nothing much, scaffolding kept me busy most of the time although I helped my aunt out at the library she works at on a couple of days off from scaffolding and Saturdays. Best part though I got to read books to kids during story hour, I read to them one of my favorite books as a kid Paddington bear, the kids loved it and I really miss it.” Finn Smiled warmly at the memory of reading to the kids than his face fell as he remembered his mum use to read the book to him and wanted to tell Rae about his biggest surprise in Leeds  
“Also my mum contacted me; she wants to talk to me again, she made an appearance when me Nan was sick but she and me da had a row and she left .” Finn let out a sigh as he started to bite at his cuticles a habit he stared after his mum left when his nerves got the best of him; sometimes he bit them until they bled; Rae held his hand to stop him.

“Wow, so what do ya want to do ?” Rae asked knowing his mum was a touchy subject with him.

“I really don’t know what to do. A part of me wanted to know why she left and the other wanted noting to do with her.” Finn said looking at Rae with a sad expression on his face.

“Maybe she wants to make amends, ya know better late than never. At least she made contact with ya… my dad lived in Lincolnshire all this fucking time and never once bothered to contact me…Finn you should go meet her, at least hear what she has to say. If anything maybe you’ll get some closure.” Rae gave Finns hand a squeeze hopping if Finn sees his mum maybe his experience would not be such a disappointment like it was with her dad.

“Closure would be good…Yeah I do want to know what she has to say, I want to know what I did wrong for her to not want me.” Finn said a little more venomously than he intended as tears fell down his face. Rae took her hand and put it on Finns back rubbing it, trying to soothe the child in Finn hurt by a parent abandoning him.

“Finn your mum did what she did not for anything you did or are! Kester told me that once when we were talking about my dad, I hate it when he’s is right but he is.” Rae shakes her head than smiles at Finn.

“It still fucking hurts Rae… I understand divorce that people don’t always stay together that people grow apart or don’t want anything to do with each other… I just don’t understand why she didn’t want anything to do with me.” Finn let out a sob, Rae hugs him. “Can ya…would ya want to come with me if I go and meet her? I’m not sure I can do this alone without getting angry…I-I need ya by my side.” Finn asks with a pleading look on his face.

“Of coarse I will finn…whenever you need me I’ll be there.” Rae smiles at Finn.

“Thank you… s-so how did you find out about ya da.” Finn raised his eyebrows while biting his lower lip, waiting for Rae to answer as he wiped away some tears.

“Long story short, mum and I had another row, I’d been a right cow to her, a bit self centered really, she gave me his address and I contacted him…” Rae started tearing up, you could hear the sad tone and regret in her voice “he seemed ok in the beginning but turned out to be a right twat in the end. The little girl inside of me that always wanted a father, cried herself to sleep at night wondering why he was not there. Wondering if me or me mum did something wrong to make him leave, that fantasized about him knocking on the door saying (sorry I left ya I’m not going to do it again)… Raes voice cracked a little.Finn put his arm around her to hold her than Rae angrily wiped away her tears; she had wasted enough on him, sniffed way more tears that was threatening to fall.

That part of me just hoped he’d be what I needed, wanted and was devastated when he wasn’t… I never told ya about the postcards my dad sent me but turned out they were from me mum saying they were from him. It hurt that she done that to me, that’s the reason I had the party at mine, why I wanted to piss her off… I only figured it out after Archie said the post is marked where there from not sent to. I wasn’t joking when I said that’s what my mum told me at the pup, I was such a fool to of not figured that out sooner. It just hurt to know that my dad didn’t bother to make contact with me or care for me at all. Now that I’ve met him, I’ve forgiven my mum, I understand what she was trying to do now but she just went about it the wrong way, I would of rather been told the truth.” rae smiled thinly at finn, sniffing back tears she didn’t want to shed .

“You’re not foolish rae you just wanted to believe that your da didn’t completely abandoned ya. I probably would of believed the same thing too if my da had done it … I cried about my mum too when she first left. Nan was there to tell me everything would be ok. She would sing to me before bed in those first few weeks to calm me, she had a beautiful voice too…I miss her so much …she was the closest person to a mum I had.” finn gave rae a small smile as a tear fell down his cheek while rae squeezing his hand than she gently wiped it away.

“I wish I’d gotten a chance to meet her…you know what though I do have a dad in my life…karim, he’s the closest I’ve come to having one and I really need to tell him that.” Rae let out a sigh giving Finn a small smile.

“Yeah you would have gotten along perfectly with her. I defiantly think you should tell your step dad what you just said.” as Rae looked at him she realized besides missing chances to help Chloe she also missed an opportunity to be there for Finn. When he came to her house that night she was too scared at what it would lead to, was not strong enough to admit what she was feeling.

“Finn I’m sorry that I didn’t stay that night when you came to mine before you left for Leeds when you needed someone to talk to.” Rae looked at Finn apologetically, still regretting her decision on going to that party.

“ Its ok, I said what I needed to say to ya, anyways it doesn’t matter now” finn tried to keep the hurt out of his voice because it still did hurt that she didn’t seem to want to really talk to him that night.

“Yeah it does! You needed someone to listen to ya but instead I had to go to that stupid party where I almost got…” rae stopped herself from saying what she’s been trying to avoid for weeks now, downplaying with kester and her self what almost happened to her.

“Rae what…almost got what?” Finns blood ran cold scared at what Rae would say. Rae got up out of the bed taking a couple of deep breaths trying to fight back tears before turning around to look at finn, a little voice deep inside of her whispered you can trust him, tell him .

“Saul one of Ian’s tosser friends. I hung out with before; he seemed nice and even treated me like an adult. Well At least listened to what I had to say anyways. Well he t-tried it on with me in the bathroom…h-he touched my arse and breast…wanted me t-to touch him intimately…he forcefully kissed me…I told him to stop because he was hurting me and that’s when he locked the door…” Rae said with a trembling voice, shaking as tears stared to fall down her face. Finn got up to stand next to Rae, cupping her face with his hands.

“R-Rae d-did he…rape you?” Finn asked with a tremble in his voice, an anger for this bastard stared to grow with in him for what he may have done to his Rae.

“N-No…no I told him if he laid a finger on me I’d scream the fucking house down. I think it stunned him enough so I could get out. b-but I think if it hadn’t I would have been…r-raped…I was so fucking s-scared finn.” finn let go of her face to hug her tightly as rae sobbed into his chest holding him tightly back. Finn wanted so bad to find Saul and kill him. Finn held Rae until she had stopped sobbing; he gently wiped away her tears on her face. “the things he said were awful…that I was frigid, that a girl like me should get what I could get, boys weren’t lining up to date me … you know I actually thought that because of the way I looked id be safe from this, that skinny pretty girls were targets but I guess I was wrong. I shouldn’t of gone to that party, I ask myself did I lead him on or what I did wrong…” finn cupped raes face gently with his hand so she could look at her hating that she was blaming herself for what happened when the blame was on this arsehole.

“Rae please stop! You didn’t do anything wrong, you have a right to go to a party or anywhere without some twat thinking he can touch ya with out consent, forcing himself on ya after you said no. One thing me Nan drilled into me was no means fucking no! When a woman says it she means it and to respect it! Rae me Nan worked at a woman’s shelter before she got sick. I went with her from time to time and I saw a lot of women of different shapes and sizes, all hurt by men. Anyone can be raped; it has nothing to do with the way you look. When a bloke says she led him on it’s just a sorry excuse for him to commit a crime, this is all on him Rae, not you. Have ya talked to this kester about it?” Finn looked at Rae with warmth and love in his eyes wanting to take away the pain this tosser caused her.

“Kind of…I tried to get Chloe out of there but she wouldn’t come with me. I went to kesters flat told him Chloe was still there and someone tried it on with me. When he started asking if I had been hurt and if Chloe was in trouble I held back I told him she was ok and it was just an awful party.” rae hung her head low as new tears fell down her face, guilt washing over her. Finn lifted her head with his finger under her chin so she would look at him than wiped away her tears. Finn led them to the bed to sit on the edge of it and put an arm around her holding her in comfort.

“I want to find this bastard and curl him up for hurting ya.” Finn said venomously while clenching and unclenching his fists.

“Please don’t he’s not fucking worth going to jail over, please promise me you won’t do anything foolish.” Rae looked at Finn pleadingly.

“Ok fine! but talk to kester tell him everything you told me, he can probably help you more than I can.” finn sucked on his lower lip worrying if he was enough to help rae when she needed it but hoped he was and wasn’t sure he could keep to his promise to Rae on not hurting this Saul twat.

“You help by listening finn…” rae looks at Finn smiling and take his hand giving it a squeeze. “But yeah I’m gonna talk to kester about what happened and… some other things I really need to deal with.” Rae looked down another tear falls down her cheek.

“Rae I’m listening if ya want to talk about it but I get it if ya need to talk to ya therapist about it more, just don’t bottle it up and let it eat at ya please!” finn turned raes head to him with his finger a pleading tone in voice and kindness in his eyes that touched rae deeply. That same voice inside rae, the one that has fought to be herd, the voice of the brave girl she use to be, said to trust him to let him in.

“Well I read Chloe’s diary, not proud of it but it helped me figure out where she skipped off to when she was missing. It took me reading it to see while I was drowning in my own shit she was too. I failed her as a friend so many times, if I had taken just one moment to of listened, been there for her like she had for me at times… maybe she would of never met Ian. But all I could see was me own problems” Rae leaned her head on Finns shoulder you could hear the guilt in her voice.

“Rae you didn’t fail Chloe, Archie told me what ya did for her the other day when he went with me to Leeds, you would of failed her if ya just left her with that tosser and didn’t go back for her to help but ya did. I have to say that was brave of ya, I just wish ya didn’t have to of gone alone, you are a good friend.” Finn kissed Rae on the top of her head. This was one of the things Finn loved about Rae was her kind heart.

“Yeah well I wasn’t being a good friend to arch when I outed him in front of Lois. If I could have that day back I wouldn’t of done it, I would of tried harder to get Archie to not play with Lois’s feelings like he did me…” rae sniffed back tears, even though her and Archie are in a good place she felt so guilty for causing arch so much pain. “ but you know what if I had the choice I would of told everyone that I meant Liam in group therapy it would of saved me a whole bunch of shit with Amy.” rae said angrily as she lifted her head off finns shoulder, got up and put another album on as the last song played its last note. Finn felt like one more mystery that is Rae earl, was solved when it came to Liam. He knew about the outing from Archie when he told him why he came out. That him and Rae talked it out and were good but still he felt guilty at skipping off to Leeds when his best mate was dealing with shit at home. It had just been too much to stay, school was crap, not knowing where his life was going but most of all not being able to stop thinking about Rae or be with her.

“Yeah Archie told me about it day after he came out…it was a shite thing to do Rae. The important thing is you saw you did wrong and tried to made it right and you were there for him when he needed a friend to talk to…especially when I skipped off to Leeds.” finn said still disgusted with himself. Rae sat down next to Finn and took his had to hold it.

“Finn you leaving for Leeds didn’t open up arch to bullying, get kicked off the football team or the possibility of getting hurt. Me telling his secret did. But if you really want in on the guilt… we both let him down in a way or two, so now we try to make it up to him.” rae squeezed his hand while smiling small at him.

“Sounds like a plan to me…so do you want to talk about Liam? I get if you don’t want to though.” Rae looked at Finn, so far he hasn’t ran, hasn’t judged her, he’s just listened. She found she wanted to

“Liam was a big regret, one of many in the last few weeks but not my biggest one. I saw something in Liam that I thought the world chipped away from me, stole a long time ago. I confused a mask of bravery he wore for the real thing but I realize he’s not strong as you say I am Finn. I have this need to want to get better and I think he feels like he doesn’t have it, that need. He feels that he‘s fuck up and always will be… We meant In-group, he didn’t want to tell anybody, he said it wasn’t there business to know. Well I wanted to tell Amy where we met so I wouldn’t get me face bashed in but after outing Archie, I felt I couldn’t. Nothing was going on between us until he kissed me after he had a panic attack and in classic Rae Earl fuck ups I kissed him back and there went my, we weren’t doing anything excuse, down the drain. What I hate him for was when he said he was going to show up and tell Amy what was going on between us but let me down and didn’t show.. I made a mistake of seeing myself in him, all his problems mirrored mine. We both hated ourselves and thought were fuck ups. He told me we weren’t exactly oil paintings, I would never tell anybody that. Than I made a really big mistake with him, we stared to fool around with each other than… I slept with him.” Rae’s voice cracked, she took a deep breath to give herself time to say what she needed to say. Finn was livid, he wanted to curl up this twat for telling Rae what he did, leaving her to deal with his problems and was physically shaking in anger. He was clenching and unclenching his fist but took a deep breath to calm himself now was not the time for anger, rae needed him to listen and if it helped rae he would listen, he would always listen for her.

“After you left for Leeds, I tried to talk to my dad and he was a let down again. I went to the one person who said they’d be there for me and wouldn’t give up on me like me dad, so I went to kesters. He turned me away, guess his girlfriend didn’t like me showing up at anytime, I know it was not an emergency or anything and maybe I should have called but I just needed to talk to someone. I wanted to fucking talk and no one was there, I was so angry. So I went to Liam because I felt it would piss kester off on some level and I also wanted to prove I wasn’t frigid and I used him as much as he used me and he had me go down on him. I felt numb after just the way I wanted to be, he validated every bad thing I thought about my self . I felt worthless after letting everyone down. Than Sauls word started to whisper in my head , a girl like me should take what she can get…” rae closed her eyes and took another deep breath opting her eyes she looked in finns eyes. “ For my first time, I slept with Liam with most my clothes on, hating myself, the way I looked, with the lights off. When he was done… it was silent, dark and I let the darkness envelop me because that’s were I felt I belonged.” Rae looked from Finn with tears streaming down her face. Finn got up and went to his wardrobe and started looking for something until he found it. He knelt in front of Rae holding a book to her to take. Rae looked at the art book in her hand with confusion and than looked at Finn.

“Rae you don’t deserve to be in darkness, you belong in the light. Ya deserve to be seen in museums…you are a masterpiece rae and as for what that git said I ask has he even seen a fucking oil panting?… cause I have, besides music me Nan loved art and she took me to the Tate gallery in London all the time. Rae you are a fucking oil panting, this book was me nans and has pictures of oil paintings of beautiful curvy woman like you rae. Quite honestly at the risk of sounding like a sappy sod or something, I think you look like a goddess.” Finn looked at Rae with admiration hoping Rae would believe him. Rae looked at the book, seeing beautiful woman that had her shape panted in oils. Looking at these pictures, Rae for once in her life felt beautiful for a moment.

“You’re right you are a sappy sod…but thank you…and thank you for showing me this book. I‘m slowly starting to see that I do not belong in the darkness either Finn. It’s just gonna take time. These paintings are beautiful I‘d love to go see them for real…would you take me to the Tate gallery one day Finn?” rae smiles brightly at finn that he would swear reached the darkest depth of his soul.

“Yeah I’d love to, whenever you want to go. There’s a couple of paintings in the book that are in the museum even.” Finn got up to sit next to rae on the beds edge

“So do you keep the book because it ya nans…or for the naked pictures of the woman?” Rae smirked with a knowing look in her eye. Finn nervously blushed rubbing behind his ears avoiding looking at Rae.

“Uh um uh no I keep it for the beautiful works of art of course!” Finn didn’t even believe that sorry excuse.

“I’m only messing with ya besides if ya want to know a secret I got trashy romance novels at home.” Rae giggled, Finn let out a chuckle

“You are full of surprises Mae you know that.” Finn said looking at Rae, that smile he only saves for Rae on his face.

“Well yeah I have to keep you on your toes somehow… so any other surprises you want to know?”

“Well I do have a question… it’s kind of been there in back of me mind… what is the story with you and Danny?”

Rae swallowed a lump in her throat feeling the weight of her big backpack of bullshit weighing heavily on her again, when just a moment ago it had been lighter after sharing with finn all that she has so far. Rae realized there was so much still left unsaid. She knew she never talked about her life before hospital and during her stay there with Finn. There conversations were mostly about music, there everyday life and that they came from one parent homes but it seemed that it was Finn doing all the opening up in their short lived relationship. She had been too busy running from the darkness in her life, her insecurities, and rejection. Her mum had been right, there had been too much running in her family, and her father had been proof of that. She realized she ran just like him but the difference was she’s finally realized she is strong enough to face her problems; maybe that brave little girl she use to be hadn’t been stolen from her completely by the world. Rae in that moment realized that her strength had to come from her mum. Yeah she made mistakes, maybe was a bit selfish but she had the strength to raise a child, a mad one at that, all on her own with little to no help after her father skipped out on them. Almost losing her mum had made Rae appreciate her more and that their talk in the hospital was a start to fixing things between them but they needed to continue to talk and heal wounds in there relationship. Rae had been so unfair to her mum, the gang, Finn by running; well it was time to stop running. She’s shared a lot with Finn so far today so it was time to open that big backpack of bullshit and dump the rest of it out, stop fearing rejection like Kester said, to be brave again. It was time to let Finn in, to start a conversation that was long overdue and to start from the beginning.

“ Well we never dated first of all , he had a thing for tixy and all that stuff he said at the party was him trying to make you be interested in me…to help me out! Um… I started fancying you after you told me to put a boot up Archie’s arse and more so when ya punched Big G. I was telling tixy about you, what ya did and than Danny got involved. To make a long story short, he told me to treat you mean to keep you keen. To create sexual tension he thought you were friend zoning me…” Rae did air quotations to emphasize sexual tension. “I listened to the world’s most unbelievably bad advice. All because I wanted to be in the romantic zone with ya… defiantly the shagging zone…in hindsight I wouldn’t have listened to it. ” Rae said huffing out a laugh than she got up off the bed to change the music as the smiths album had just finished its last song. She was happy when Finn came back but had been wondering was it just as a friend coming to help another or something else. Sure, they slept together but that doesn’t always mean anything. She hoped it did mean something to him, that he wants her as much as she does him and wanted to try again.

“I wasn’t trying to friendzone ya rae, really I wanted to snog ya senseless and if it had led to the shag zone it would have been a plus…” Finn smirked, Rae turned her head blushing than smiled as she turns back looking at albums, finding one to play. “ But if you had wanted to be with me, why did ya break up with me? Did I do something wrong?” finn raised his eyebrows, he had a mix of emotions, fear, worry, hurt, hope playing on his face waiting for rae to answer as he starts to bite the cuticles on his nails.

Rae turns around from the record player after putting on Alanis Morissetts jagged little pill album she brought over for her and Finn to listen to. She discovered it in the bargain bin at the record shop in town. She had wanted to get it the year before when it came out but funds had been low and her problems at school had gotten worse. Therefore, she never got around to getting it until now and she loved it. Something about the song Mary Jane spoke to her the most, in these last few months she felt like she was going full speed ahead in the wrong direction. It also talked about being honest something she needed to do now with Finn on why she broke up with him. Rae lets out a deep breath and walks over to finn, she sits next to him on the bed, than takes his hands to stop him from biting his cuticles, one finger already had blood on it, she never noticed until now how much more alike finn was to her. “I think its time to talk about us.” Rae looked into Finns eyes and gave him a small smile.

“Yeah! I’d like that Rae.” Finn said with a serious expression on his face.

“Ok, um first I need you to understand you did noting wrong and I’m sorry I made you feel that way…” Rae gave Finn an apologetic look. “I know you said you didn’t care I had stuff when I told ya I didn’t want to bring you down into it but it was a mistake not to. So this is me telling you what my stuff is, needing you to understand it, before I ask ya a question, and I need to start at the beginning.” Rae sighed, sniffing back tears; you could hear the vulnerability in her voice.

“Rae that’s all I ever wanted… for you to let me in. So this is me listening!” Finn squeezes her hands giving her a reassuring smile. Rae takes a deep breath.

“I lied to you; the gang, at the chippy when you asked if I was better I wasn’t, and I didn’t want you to know I was still ill, I just wanted to be normal and treated normal. I was scared of going back to school, had a freak out first day of collage…I pulled the fire alarm because of it…that night I broke up with you was me running finn.” Rae said taking a breath than huffed out a shaky chuckle “when I was a girl I went around in a swim suite all the time, you couldn’t get me out of it, I loved swimming and I hadn’t been in a pool for a couple of years until Chloe’s pool party. I use to be brave…but the world chipped away at it. An aunt who told me I was pretty but I’d be beautiful if I lost weight…chip. Seeing my mum diet all the time and her hate herself…chip. My dad rejecting me…chip. Noticing how people treated Chloe compared to me…chip. Getting called a nasty name by a stranger in a passing car…chip. Only seeing skinny pretty girls on telly, in films, magazines and seeing no one like me thought of as pretty…chip. However, something as simple as my favorite swimsuit not fitting me anymore finally chipped it away completely. I was no longer that brave little girl any more and that day something flipped in me head, my aunts words just came back to haunt me…I started to look at my self with a more critical eye, I stared hating my self.” Rae had to take a moment to compose herself trying not to let tears fall, reliving some of those moments had hit Rae harder than she thought it would. Finn had wanted to say something but he didn’t know what, these were the times he wished he was better with words. He ended up holding her hand tighter giving a small smile with an expression on his face indicating that he was still listening.

“I feel like the world stole that brave little girl I use to be from me… As time went on, I started to binge to cope. I had fewer friends, Chloe were my only one really but even we started to drift apart over the last year or so. My mum worked a lot, I felt alone most of the time. Than I started getting panic attacks, doing things repetitively, compulsively, like turning the light switch on and off in divisions of eight, becoming more depressed, there were days that I didn’t leave the house; I just stayed in bed watching the day go by. It was bad enough I was bigger than the other girls and now being mental was added to the long list of things wrong with me…it felt like a dog pissing on me shoe than five seconds later a bird shit on me head. I started being bullied bad at school last couple of years… music had been a solace but it didn’t always work. I stared thinking I needed to punish the thing that was being rejected… My body… so I started hurting myself.” Rae let out an anguished sob but tried to rein in her emotions she needed to find her strength to get through this.

“Rae its ok, I’m not going any where…still listening.” Finn said quietly, his eyes glistening with tears. Heartbroken at all the pain that Rae has gone through wishing he could’ve been there for her sooner and knowing now he should have been asking her about her stuff.

Rae gives Finn a small watery smile before letting out a cleansing breath, finding her resolve before continuing. “ One day back in March I had a really shit day at school, some girls nicked my clothes while I was in the shower, I was there for a couple of hours before a teacher found me and at lunch someone purposely spilled there food on me…” Rae closed her eyes as a tear slipped down her cheek than opened them her breath coming out in a tremble “I was alone again when I got home, mum had to work late that night. I tried binging to cope with what happed but that day was different for me. I took a shower and let the scalding hot water burn my back, I listened to music but nothing worked, I was lost in the darkness. It was like a mixed tape of voices playing in my head, it was on constant repeat and I couldn’t turn is off. Voices that said you’re ugly, fat, a fuck up, no one wants you around, you’re a waste of space but the worst one was… no one would miss you if you were gone…” raes voice cracked than she let a shaky breath. “I found a knife in my hand before I knew it… I started cutting myself and for a bit it drowned out the voices but it didn’t work for long this time and I cut deeper hoping it would work to silence them… Finn there was a small part of me th-that night that wanted to slip away into that silence… my mum found me…I was just barely breathing…barely hanging on by a thread but something was screaming in me to hold on. I think it was that brave little girl in me that I thought was stolen by the world…somehow I held on. I spent the next four months at hospital after that.” Rae let her tears fall freely. Finn put his arm around her to hold her, tears falling down his face as well, he realizes how close he and the gang came to not knowing her, and angry at the world for not seeing what an amazing person she is.

“Rae I just want to curl up every twat that ever hurt you or mad you feel less than perfect no one deserves to be hurt like that …because you are perfect just as is. So that’s why you panicked…You were afraid the bullying would happen all over again.” Finn asked. Still holding Rae, just in awe of this girl in his arms, the strength she had to survive all that.

“Yeah, a few days latter after the first day, Archie and I talked about staying under the radar to survive collage and the idea made sense to me but dating the fittest lad in school didn’t make it easy. I figured I could be your girlfriend outside of collage, that we made sense alone.” Rae said quietly as she sniffed back tears. Something in Finns mind clicked into place, like pieces of a puzzle. The conversation in the disabled toilets of her saying she was a 4, he was an 11, bullied by people, and dating him made it hard for her to stay under the radar.

“Rae did you break up with me because of the way you felt about how you look? How others would treat us being together?” Finn asked quietly, his anger at the world for making Rae feel like she didn’t deserve to be with him grew in him so much that he wanted to take rae and runaway to an deserted island where the world couldn’t touch her, them, where Rae could be free and happy.

“That was a part of it; I um got lost in me head again.” Rae voice cracked, she wiped away her tears and took a breath …I uh… I bought some sexy under wear for camping but I wanted to show ya sooner. I showed up at your door, your dad let me in, I saw you in the shower and your naked perfect body. It didn’t help that I also saw Stacy’s in the showers at school…I’m just in awe of people that can so easily get naked when I couldn’t even get undressed in front of a mirror in my own bathroom, after seeing ya in the shower I left as the doubts started. Finn that night in the caravan I wanted to sleep with you but I wasn‘t ready, I just couldn’t get naked in front of ya, I so wanted to loose my v plates before collage started to you. Chloe had been banging on about it; it was the sodding fucking reason for camping. I knew I was out of you league, than I saw this photo of us, for the first time I saw how we didn’t fit. I could feel the stares of people on me, on us. I felt they were thinking why you were with me, that we didn’t make sense together. I started thinking we didn’t made sense together, I still hated myself Finn, I figured you would see my body like I do and hate it as well.” Rae sobbed as tears streamed down her face while Finn held her tighter.

“Rea I kind of felt you weren’t ready that night either when ya said you had that headache…its why I suggested the vodka to put you at ease, I mean everyone knows its orgasms that supposedly cure headaches…” finn huffed out a breath. “I was thinking back on it next day and felt maybe the caravan had been too much and I made you feel pressured…I just wish you had said something…I wasn’t in any rush, honestly I was just happy to be around ya, to be able to kiss ya. I would not have minded waiting for you. You are worth it! I shouldn’t of suggested the exclusive sleepover it probably made you feel pressured more and I’m sorry for that but I didn’t like that ya got me drunk that night either.” Finn said looking at Rae apologetically, sadness mixed with hurt in his eyes as Rae moved out of his arms to look at him properly. Finn felt like a twat for not making it clear he wanted to be with her for who she was and that her body was perfect to him but it angered him that instead of talking with him she thought making him drink had been a better idea.

“Finn you didn’t pressure me, I put that on myself…I was just too scared to tell ya anything and I just wanted to be a proper girlfriend to ya…” Rae started to raise her voice with a trembling vulnerability in it’s undertone as she got off the bed and paced the floor, letting out all that she felt. “I brought the vodka to silence the voices of doubt in me head… because they wouldn’t shut up. Than I saw that picture of you and Stacy and stared to compare myself, thinking you should be going out with someone pretty like her. I started thinking again, why you would want to see my body after you’ve seen hers… I got you drunk because I bricked it, again I couldn’t get naked in front of ya. I’ve hated myself for doing that, it was the wrong thing for me to do to ya and I‘m sorry for it. I felt embarrassed for you to be seen with me, I didn’t think I was good enough for ya. I couldn’t understand why someone as fit as you would want to be with a blob with a gob like me… Than it got worse for me after we were locked in the disabled toilet. I had a panic attack the next day after the other students, simmy and his wanker friends stared calling me magic fanny, because that was the only way you would be with me. What hurt the most though was when Archie, Mr. Stay under the radar to survive collage, did a little too good of the job when he was hanging around simmy and called me it as well….” Rae was about to continue her near sobbing rant when Finn got up off the bed to stand next to her and cut her off.

“Archie called you that! He’s supposed to be your mate, I’m gonna kill him, best mate or no!” Finn was livid with Archie, arch had left that part out of the conversation they had the other day he couldn’t believe Archie would do that to a friend but heartbroken that Rae thought that badly of herself. Rae took a breath to calm down.

“Finn you‘re not going to kill him! Archie and I worked it out alright. The point is I couldn’t handle it, I started thinking the longer we went on, when the doubts in me head told me you’ll realize you could to better than me, we would break up and it would be too painful to be around each other to ever be friends again. I also wanted to stay under the radar like Archie said to do to survive collage and I couldn’t do that dating you. I ran from my problems, just like my dad. I fooled myself into thinking I was facing a fear of us breaking up when I really wasn’t. So instead of sharing with you my doubts in my head, the fear of getting naked in front of you and fighting for us…I just broke up with you instead and it didn’t take me long to figure out I fucked up.” Rae’s voice cracked at the last few words as she collapsed on Finns bed, sniffing back tears trying to compose her emotions.

Finn runs his hand through his hair; the room grows quite as the music stopped playing. Finn goes to put on the Beatles let it be album, he loved this album for the song the long and winding road, it had been one of his nans favorite Beatles songs, and that’s what Finn felt like, that he was on a long winding road that always leads to Rae. Finn starts pacing the floor of his room trying to figure out what to say, wishing he were better with words. He knew Rae was pushing him away just before the break up, felt after the caravan something had changed between them. He had hoped she would just talk to him but could see now that had been a mistake. He should have been the one letting her know how he felt about her, what he liked about her, worked on using his words better. He wished his Nan was still hear, she always seemed to have the best advice, knew what to say, he really wished he had inherited her gift for words. Rae watched him pace his room a worried expression on her face as that familiar sense of dread crept into her chest. Her heart started to pound, her breathing coming out shaky, the whispers started in her head you told him too much, he knows you too mental for him now, you scared him off , he got what he wanted from ya, he knows he can do better now. Rae tried to tell herself she is perfect and strong, the brave little girl in her screamed at the top of her lungs not to listen but her fear of rejection clawed into her like a wolf attacking its prey. She struggled to breathe, breaking out in a cold sweat, Finn turned around when he heard her gasp for breath, instantly knowing now she was having a panic attack. He went to Rae kneeling in front of her, bringing her hands to his chest.

“ Breath Rae, count to ten…I’m here for ya…I’m not going anywhere.” finn said in a soothing voice, he was hoping he was doing this right, hoping he was remembering what that book, he got from the Leeds library, said to do were right. Rae lost in her panic attack looked at Finn; she heard his voice feeling like it were a lifeline pulling her in from the abyss. She started counting to ten 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10…trying to match Finns breathing, she started to relax some, her breathing returning to normal. Rae had tears in her eyes as Finn moved to sit next to Rae, hugging her to him, stroking her hair and giving her a kiss at the top of her head.

“Are you ok Rae?” Finn asked calmly, Rae nodding her head in response

“What was this panic attack about?” Finn whispered in Rae’s ear.

“Y-you weren’t saying anything…I started thinking that you figured I was to mental to bother with, that you could do better. I tried to tell myself to not listen to it…to stop but it overwhelmed me…h-how did you know what to do to help me?” Rae sniffed back tears, Finn leaned back to look at Rae, cupping her face between his hands.

“Well first I accept your apology about getting me drunk. Please promise not to do it again cause that’s a trust issue with me rae…and please stop hating yourself about it…it’s not just anger that makes people do stupid shit, fear dose too, just talk to me when ya feeling that way, ok?” finn smiled warmly at rae to let her know he had forgiven her.

“ I promise I won’t do it again… it just may take me awhile to forgive myself but I’ll get there.” rae gave finn a small smile, wishing she could take that moment, just one of many back.

“And to answer ya question… like you running from my problems didn’t work either. I couldn’t stop thinking about ya in Leeds, I was trying to distracted myself, trying to get over ya, and scaffolding, drinking at the pup wasn’t enough. As I said earlier, I helped me aunt at the library in Leeds, when I found this book on mental illness. Hear I was trying not to not think of ya and yet hear was this sodding book I was compelled to read like it was some bloody holy grail to the mind of rae earl, I was hoping to understand ya more maybe figure out what I did wrong too. It had chapters about the stuff you mentioned at your mums wedding reception and panic attacks. It went through a list of what to do if someone’s having one…ya know things just clicked into place when I realized that you were have one in the disabled toilette and I felt like I failed you, I should have noticed.” Finn said giving Rae an apologetic look

“Finn you’re not a fucking mind reader…ya shouldn’t of had to read a book to understand me, I should’ve been talking to ya like we been doing today… not pushing you away…” rae looked at finn apologetically. In that moment, Finn knew what he needed to say what his heart has been screaming to say.

“Rae I was trying to find the right words to say to ya earlier you didn’t scare me off… ” Finn gives Rae a small warm smile than takes a deep breath, looks at rae with a thoughtful expression on his face. “ I was devastated that night ya came over and broke up with me without any explanation …it felt like you ripped out my heart and stomped on it…honestly it felt like me mum all over again leaving me and I couldn’t understand why. I told ya at the hospital what I liked about you was your strength; it was the first thing I noticed about ya at Chloe’s pool party. When you stole my 20p and played the beastie boys I new you were different from the other girls but I new I fancied ya when I hit that twat taking the piss out of ya. when you came into your mums room after I found out me Nan died, I felt like one amazing woman left my life and in walked another who held me as I was falling apart…that’s when I knew I was in love with ya. Rae I feel a connection with you and I don’t want to be with girls like Stacy cuz all I am to them is fit fucking finn nelson and it gets so old fast. I regret olive I used her to try to get over you and I weren’t fair to her, she was nice but she wasn’t you. So you see the problem with what ya said, about the longer we went on it would be hard for us to be friends if we broke up. It was already too late for me, I was already too far gone in love with ya…I’m still in love with ya and it scares me. that I feel this way and you do-don’t …m-may not…f-fe…” finn starts to struggle with his words when rae, with misty eyes, cups the side of his face and kisses him tenderly, pouring all of her love into that kiss. Rae breaks the kiss and pulls away a little to look at Finn.

“I’m in love with you to finn, have been since you punched big g …out of all the regrets I’ve made with me mum, the gang, chloe and the others…ending it with you was my biggest one… this is the question I wanted to ask. Could we try again? I’m stronger now, I’m facing my fears, like getting naked in front of ya was me facing a big one and you didn’t run, you made me feel beautiful . I can’t promise it’s gonna be all rainbows, sunshine, unicorns and some shit like that but I can promise I’ll tell you when i’m having bad days or doubts. I’ll let ya in more and I think today was a pretty good start.” Rae with tears running down her face looked at Finn waiting for him to say something. Finn gets off the bed runs his hands trough his hair, goes to his window, the setting sun casts a fiery glow to the room, he opens the window a cold breeze flows in the room, goose bumps form on his arm as he takes out a rolled up cigarette from his tin and lights it. He takes a drag and blows it out the window than looks to Rae.

“You said ya thought ya were not good enough for me but you are. Your brilliant, funny, kind it’s just some of the things I love about ya. I was chuffed when you chose to be with me…” finn takes another couple of drags from his cigarette than throws it out the window blowing smoke out as he closes it than looks to rae again. “I’m really lost right now Rae…I’m no good in collage except at football. I don’t have a job…Honestly I’m not sure what I want to do with me life right now…I’m scared I’m not good enough for you… that I’ve got noting to offer ya, I’m no good with words, not smart like you, I can be a grumpy git… I’m nothing special. I don’t know what ya see in me, I don’t even see much in myself. I know I want ya, need ya, I jus-” Rae got up off the bed and went to finn and took his hand turning it over and wrote **you are perfect**.

“Ya say I’m strong but even strong people need some one to lean on. You have everything to offer me. Like love, your kindness, you are special Finn. You saw something special in me when I couldn’t. You are smarter than you know you just haven realized it yet, you say your not good with words but you find the right ones eventually, like ya did today. You say your lost well so I’m I but maybe we can find our way together, let’s give us a real go, see were it goes. Lets do this!” Rae gives Finn a reassuring smile.

“Ok…let’s do this, I love ya Rae.” Finn gives Rae a smile

“I love ya too!” Rea gently kisses Finn, her arms go around his neck, and she runs her fingers through his hair as Finn put his arms around her waist pulling her closer. One arm reaches up her back so his hand can hold the back of Raes head as his fingers intertwine in her soft silky raven hair as they hold tighter to each other. There kiss deepens, Rae licks Finns bottom lip silently asking for entrance as Finn opens his mouth letting her in. Gentle moans escape there lips, the taste of tea and tobacco mingle on there tongues as they gently slip and caress around the other. A need for each other surges through them as they lose themselves in the love of there passionate kiss. They break apart there kiss, foreheads touching as there kiss swollen lips are close enough to graze each other, they breath each other in as they try and catch there breaths never letting go of there embrace .

“Make love to me finn.” Finn feels Rae’s lips graze his as she spoke her request

“Are you sure?” Finn asks as he gently peppers kisses back on her kiss swollen lips.

“More than sure.” Rae breaths her answer on his lips as there mouths come together in a fiery kiss. Finn missed Rae’s soft lips on his, the feel of how perfect there mouths fit together as there tongues connect in a passionate dance. Rae missed his lips, his kisses and how they made her feel safe. They both felt like they were drinking the sweetest water after being lost in the desert for so long.

Rae’s hands slide down Finns hard taunt biceps than glide there way around and down his back to the hem of his shirt, her fingertips graze his skin of his lower back as she starts taking off his shirt. Her touch sends shivers of electricity through him, he raises his arms as Rae continues to remove his shirt, they break there kiss as Finns shirt is completely taken off. Finn reaches for Rae’s shirt hem, he gathers her shirt and singlet underneath in such a way that his fingers glide up her soft smooth skin causing rae to lightly moan at the trail of fire it leaves on her, she raises her arms as finn takes off her shirt completely and it lands on the floor with his. Finn takes off his pj bottoms, his eyes never leaving her hazel ones. Finn reaches over and takes off raes pj bottoms as she steps out of them finn notices how the setting suns light makes raes skin glow as if on fire, like a fiery goddess come to consume him both body and soul. A fate Finn would gladly succumb too just to spend a moment’s happiness in Rae’s warm embrace. Finn cups her face between his hands, thers lips crash together kissing deeply, her hands slides down finns hard chiseled chest grazing his nipples. Finn groans as Rae continues her path down his stomach and than wrap around his waist, gliding up his back causing finn to moan into there kiss. Finn’s hands slide slowly down to her neck than glide over her shoulders and down her back to her bra clasp undoing it, he peppers kisses along her jaw line than finds that sensitive spot behind her ear. He kisses her neck; breathing in her sent of strawberry’s and vanilla , massages his tongue on her salty skin while gently sucking her neck. Rae lightly moans, her fingertips digging onto his back, she tilts her head back as Finn kisses down her neck dragging his lips as he goes, and his breath sends shivers down her body. He kisses her shoulder as he slowly slips off her bra strap than with opened mouth kisses, swirling his tongue on her skin, trying to taste every inch of her, he makes his way along her chest to the other side of her neck, kissing down to her shoulder as he removes her bra freeing her voluptuously round breasts.

Finn kisses his way back up to her parted kiss swollen lips, slipping his tongue back into her mouth, kissing her, his hand caressing her head tangling his fingers back into her soft hair . Rae gasps into there kiss as finns hand caresses her left breast his thumb grazing her harden nipple, he cupps her breast reveling in the feel of it in his hand as he massages her breast, his forefinger circling her nipple, Finn isn’t gonna lie her beautiful round breasts were definitely another one of her attributes he noticed. Rae pulls Finn closer to her deepening there kiss, she could feel Finns Harding cock against her stomach, they groan into there kiss as they grind into each other. Rae slides her hands down to finn waist band of his boxers, pushing them off letting them fall to the floor, they break there kiss panting trying to catch there breaths, they look into each others eyes with love and hunger in them. Finns arms slip under hers and around to her back holding her as he starts to kiss her neck nibbling it than with opened mouthed kisses he makes his way down her soft body as rae lets out a loud moan, her breath coming out in trembling pants. His mouth finds its way to her right breast taking her nipple into his mouth. Swelling his tongue around it and gently nibbling it, he leaves a fiery trail of hot wet kisses as he makes his way to her left breast, suckling her nipple. Rae runs her fingers in finns hair, her other hand is on his bicep, fingers digging in his arm gently, trying to steady herself, she lets out a groan at the sensations his mouth was causing her. Finn Kneels in front of Rae as he continued to kiss down her body, he hooks his finger into her kickers and pulls them down slowly taking them off while he kisses her stomach. Rae tenses slightly at Finns kisses on her stomach a movement he did not miss. He looks up at her at the trepidation in her eyes, Rae feels Finns finger write the words **I love u all of you** and **strong** , **kind** , **beautiful** , **survivor** , **perfect** on her stomach. Tears fall down her face as she sees the love in Finns eyes and smiles at him letting herself believe. She nods her head slightly to let Finn know she was ok and to go on.

Finn continues to kiss every inch, every stretch mark, every soft hill and valley of her stomach worshiping it, worshiping her like a goddess that she is. Finn kisses his way to her hips while his fingertips grazes down her thighs sending a fiery warmth through Rae’s body. Rae starts shaking, Finn rises up to stand in front of Rae his arms instantly go around her waist as his lips seek hers to kiss. Finn slides his hands down her round arse, in a show of strength that surprised Rae, he lifted her in his arm, her legs and arms instantly wrap around him. She feels his hardness against her stomach as he walks her to his bed in the dim light coming from his window. He lays her down on his bed than goes to put a mixed tape in the tape player, the music from the album had ended a while ago, he lays down next to her when he was finished. Fade into you starts playing as Finn finds Raes lips and kisses her softly, the room darkens as the suns last rays fade into night. Rae breaks there kiss.

“What’s wrong Rae?”Finn asks with confusion and worry that he did something wrong.

“Nothing I just need to do something…” Rae smiles reassuringly at Finn that was hard for him to make out in the dark room. She sits up and reaches over to Finns bedside light and turned it on casting the room in a soft glow. “I never want to have sex in the dark again.” she lays back down on Finns pillow looking at him with love and trust in her eyes.

“I love you Rae.” Finn whispers to Rae as he pushes her hair back behind her ear than caresses the side of her face stroking her cheek with his thumb.

“I love you too Finn.” Rae pulls Finn down to her and kisses him; he sucks and nibbles on her lower lip while caressing the side of her face. They kiss passionately as Rae slides her hands down Finns hard muscled back to squeezes his arse, Finn groans than starts to kiss down her body slowly, wanting to kiss every inch of her trying to commit to memory the feel of her soft skin on his lips. Raes breathing becomes labored as a fire ignites on her skin with every kiss. Finn kisses his way down to her thighs; he kisses every one of her scars as if trying to replace the pain that caused them with his love. Rae parts her thighs to give Finn access to her vary wet vagina, Finn continues deliberately taking his time kissing her thighs. He kisses the inside of one thigh gently nipping and swirling his tongue on her skin while his hand grazes up the other thigh. He’s agonizingly close to were Rae wants him but he only grazes a finger on her slit causing rae to gasp and buck her hips.

“Finn… please” Rae moans out breathlessly, her fingers combing through his hair trying to guide him to where she wants him to be. Finn looks up at Rae with a mischievous grin on his face

“Please…what?” finn smirked as he continued to slowly graze his hand up and down her thigh and stroked her folds but not touching her clit, he wanted to hear rae tell him what she wants. Rae is highly aroused and slightly annoyed at Finns teasing as her breath becomes shallower .

“P-please…finnn g-go down on me!” Rae said barely able to foarm a cohent sentence, the sensation of Finns finger stoking her and his hand grazing her was too much and not enough at the same time.

“As you wish…girl.” Finn smiled at her looking in her eyes before taking his thumbs and parting her outer folds, with the flat of his toung he slowly licks up her clit, causing Rae to buck her hips again as she bunches up the sheets on either side of her. He moves his arm under her thigh than over it to hold her hip in place as he used his thumb and forefinger to part her outer labia again, he licks her clit with the tip of his tongue. He takes the index and middle fingers of his other hand and glides into her wetness, he moves his fingers inside her as he vaganal walls clench around them, he curls his fingers as he finds that spot he found the last time he’d done this that makes her start to whimper. He circles her clit with his tongue and strokes the inside of her vagina slowly at first than picks up his pace as rae moans out, her body shakes, her toes curl as a sheen of perspiration forms on her skin. Her body flushed as a spark deep in her core ignites into a fire.

“Oh…finnn…oh god…fuuuuck…don’t…fucking…stop…FINNNNN!” She screams as her orgasm crashes through her body like ocean waves crashing on the sandy shore, Finn is sure the neighbors herd two streets down. Finn laps up her jucies as if it gave him life enjoing her sweet taste. He lookes up at her as he takes his fingers out of her and sucks the last of her cum off of them, rae bites her lip still shaking from her mind blowing orgasm her sex wizard gave her.

“Did it feel good?” Finn smirked knowing full well that she enjoyed it.

“Yeah…it was alright.” Rae said cheekly.

“Just alright.” he playfully scoffed. “Well. Than. I’ll. Have. To. Practice. Getting. Better. now. won’t. I.” Finn said in between kisses as he slowly crawled up her body, Rae whimpered as he did so. Finn finds her neck kissing it, sucking on her salty skin.

“ I…I’m f-fine with th-that…f-finnly.” Rae stutters out as her eyes rolled back in pleasure, Finn drags his lips up her neck to her jaw line than finds her mouth that he well never get tired of kissing. Rae pulls him closer to her, feeling his erection against her, she grinds against him wanting to be closer. “Finn…I-I need you…inside of me.” Rae breathily said as she pulled from there kiss looking in his eyes with want and love.

Finn pushes himself up supporting his weight with one arm as he reaches for a condom in his bedside drawer, he than rises up on his knees, gently tearing the packet with his teeth and puts the condom on. He positions himself between her legs as he reaches down grabbing his throbbing cock, slowly grazing himself down her sensitive clit to her entrance, raes gasps as he did so. They both look into each others eyes with love and a need to be connected, one body, one soul, one heartbeat. Rae reaches up to Finns face pulling him down to kiss her, they gasp into there kiss as he enters her slowly. Finn wraps his arms under her shoulders, gently grabbing on to them while Rae’s arms wrap around his back, both of them holding the other tighter, closer as Finn starts to grind into Rae. Her legs wrap around his thighs, her heels digging into the back of his calves as she grinds against him, his pelvic bone rubs against Raes already sensitive clit. They groan into ther kiss as a spark of fire ignites deep within them building slowly, finn moves his left arm out from under rae that grazes along her side down to her left thigh pulling it up and around his waist, this allows him to be deeper in her. Rae scratches down his back as Finn groans into there kiss loving the pleasure and pain of it. He finds a rhythm that builds that spark into a fire. He starts to kiss down her neck, once again finding that spot that makes Rae moan loudly. His left hand seeks out her right hand to hold it, he puts there joined hands on his pillow as Rae wraps her other leg around Finn, both legs wrapped around his waist.

“Finn…faster please.” Rae begs practically breathless. Finn trusts faster into Rae, the fire deep within them grows into an inferno as perspiration forms on there bodys, droplets of sweat roll down finns back and chest while raes hair, wet from sweat, clings to the side of her face. They both look into each others eyes filled with all the love thay have for each other. Rae starts shaking as her orgasm builds, Finn trusts faster grunting at the excursion. There breathing becomes ragged. Rae arches her back, her head leans back against the pillow as she moans out.

“Oh…fuck finnnn I’m so…so-so close…FINNNN!” Rae screams out her second orgasm as it flows through her body like hot lava, her vaginal walls pulsating around him. Finn trusts into Rae four more times as he starts to groan out. “RAAAE” escapes his lips as his orgasm consumes him. Finn collapses onto Rae as both of them are panting, shaking from there blissful high.

“I love you mae” Finn whispers in her ear, still holding her hand tightly he pushes himself up a little with his other arm to look at Rae with that smile reserved only for her.

“I love you too finnly.” Rae smiles back at Finn as he lets go of her hand to stroke her hair from her face, kissing her softly. Finn slowly, reluctantly pulls out of her, missing the warmth of her around him. He rolls over, getting up off the bed, he takes off the use condom, ties it and trows it in the trash bin. He than lays down next to rae, she cuddles next to him, kissing his shoulder, he holds her to him tighter, both feeling a sense of contentment.

“So did you really reference the Princess Bride a moment ago? You know with the whole …as you wish.” Rae playfully smirked.

“Um…might have.” Finn blushed, nervously rubbing behind his neck.

“Finnly I wouldn’t have taken you for a girly film type.” Rae continued to playfully smirk with amusement and love in her eyes.

“It was one of me Nans favorite films…she had me watch it with her a few times.” Finn smiled warmly at the memory.

“Well in that case I won’t takes the piss out of ya for it…much.” Rae schrunged up her nose than smiled warmly at him.

“Well as I recall there was a certain girl, who I thought had good music taste that played a certain backstreet boys song in the common room at collage. I wonder who that could that be!” Finn raised his eyebrows with a knowing smirk on his face.

“Oh thanks a lot, just remind me of another regret I made…defiantly one me biggest. I still can’t believe I did that, I think I’d rather listen to me mum and karim have amorous congress…no scratch that I’d rather listen to arch bang on about bloody Alexander the great for three hours, it be less traumatizing, than hear a soding backstreet boys song again ugh!” Rae rolled her eyes, making a disgusted face at the thought. Finn let out a chuckled.

“I was a bit worried about that, I thought your music taste went on holiday.” Finn smirked. Rae let out a laugh that Finn thought was the most beautiful sound in the world and could listen to it forever.

“Yeah I was wondering the same thing myself. The music police should have come and hauled me off for music crimes against humanity…” Rae chuckled. She snuggled closer to him as a yawn escapes her lips her eyes becoming heavy. Finn pulled the duvet over there cooling skin, placing a kiss on her forehead.

“I love ya girl,” Finn whispered against the top of her head.

“Mmm…love you too.” Rae said sleepily her breathing becoming even as sleep overtook her. Finn looked at the goddess in his arms, made of vulnerably and strength, who chooses him to love her. In that moment Finn felt grateful for Rae in his life, that no matter where the long and winding road takes them, he will have forever been changed by her presence and love in his life forever. Finn holds Rae tighter to him as his eyes slowly close, falling asleep. The music from the mixed tape continues to play softly in the room. Outside the winter snow starts to fall, soon to melt with the warmth of spring. Washing away the pain of the months before as a new start on the horizon for two sleeping soul’s approaches.

 


End file.
